Tests...

Since my TBI, as I have written, my abiliity to manage my emotions has been, well, less than efficient.  Now, I totally understand that emotions are not able to be controlled by logic anyway, and that the darn things (emotions) will sneak-in and surprise you sometimes.  Since my TBI, they sneak-in much more frequently, and I do not keep them under wraps like I used to be able to, and in the way that most of us are able to.  For example, when most people get upset at work, they are usually able to keep themselves composed.  When I would get upset at work, I would have to hide in my office for a bit until the storm passed... if the storm passed...  Sometimes, they same scenario happens at home.

Though I am now feeling better, and am now medicated (which helps :) ), I still have difficulty keeping them (pesky emotions) under wraps, and in overcoming the effect they have on me.  What do I mean by this?  Well, if I cry about something in the morning, sure enough I can bet that I will keep crying about things through-out the day.  Sometimes, they are trivial, othertimes, they are not.  If I feel angry about something, same thing; if I am happy, same thing; you get the pattern. :)

Most days, I am fortunate to say that I am generally happy- I fight my depression demons, but I am usually able to beat them.  (They pick fights with me regularly, but I do my best to keep them in check).  Somedays though.... somedays there are tests that may seem trivial, but can lead to huge life changes.

Sometimes, the people you know, or meet, will say something that alters your perception of the reality you created.  Your world will change in the speed of a word.  That word could be anything, but it is amazing how quickly so many things can change meaning.  The old attage "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a complete falsity.  Bones heal.  Emotional scars can really stick.  People say hurtful things to others based out of their own pain- I get that.  I also get that I am no longer a person who is willing, or wanting, to deal with other people who enjoy projecting their pain so that others can feel the same.  It makes me tired, and it saddens my soul.  I don't need it, and don't want it.

I am still upset for having my TBI, but as I have stated, I am always working on finding the positives about it.  Maybe one of the positives is that I no longer continuously subject myself to the people, or situations, that influence my negative emotional responses.  I am learning to forgive people so that I do not have to carry their burdens.  I am learning to end relationships and alter their meanings so that I do not have to feel subjected to their negative energy.  I am learning more now than ever, that people enter and exit our lives for different reasons.  Sometimes, they are there to test our souls in forgiveness, and to teach us that in order to keep fighting our own demons, we have to reject the demons of others.  Sometimes maybe  it is not about the war, but about the battle.

Thanks for listening.  
Until later, 
Rocky
​XOXO
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