So this morning I awoke to my alarm, and hit the snooze, as per usual. Waking up, even to my alarm, is much more difficult post injury than it ever was before (admittedly I have never really been a "morning person" though). Eventually (meaning 5 snoozes later), I got out of bed, got the kids up and ready for school, and headed out.
I am, most obviously, now back home. Recently, I was told that I needed to list the ways that my TBI has impacted my life- family, friends, financial, health, etc. I was told to make this list a couple of weeks ago, and I still cannot bring myself to do it. This morning, on my way home from dropping off the kids at school, it hit me why. I am filled with more self-doubt than I have EVER been. Ever.
I always believed I could do anything I set my mind to. Whether it be getting really strong and muscular, or learning a new language. I never academically struggled in school, did not struggle with athletics, and definitely did not waiver in my decision making. What I have noticed in myself now, is that I now doubt my abilities in all of the above, and most of all, in my daily life choices. Now, there are times when I am thankful for my memory problems. I will waiver before I make a decision, and then later, I forget that I even wavered, and sometimes even the decision (hence the reason I have two freezers full of frozen vegetables I keep forgetting that I have already purchased). Oddly, I do not waiver on heavy decisions- such as those that impact my family or others- just on those that effect or affect me. I do excellent in life or death situations, but I struggle with the daily in's and out's of my life. My children, husband, and pets are cared for, but I neglect myself.
I have a clear sense of right and wrong, yet doubt my abilities to pursue and follow-through. This is likely one of the leading reasons why I have such difficulty in actually doing so. It is a cycle I am struggling to end. I have my good days, and I most definitely have my bad. I have started eating better and working-out more (on doctor's orders), and I am feeling better, physically. I would like to say that emotionally and cognitively I was in the same place, but as I have explained, I am most definitely not.
I am not an unhappy person. I am blessed with a family and friends who truly love and care about me. I am aware that even with the difficulties I have faced and will face, there are so many others who struggle worse, and don't see a light at all. Some people never will, and do not have 1/8 of the positive support that I do. I know this, and know that I am truly blessed.
I really want to make this cycle end. I figured writing about this would be most beneficial for me, as I have always felt more comfortable writing about how I feel, than actually expressing it. (I do cry all the time now, but I really do not like it, and prefer not to show it if I can avoid showing it at all. I am actually crying now. Ugh.).
I know that there are many other people out there who may feel this way, or at least some version of it. For you, I am offering support. There are people who care, whether you know them in person or not. There are people who are fighting to make a difference for you, and trying to help re-route your cycle to a straighter path.
After all, I want the road to continue, I just get tired of passing the same landmarks.
Thanks for reading.
Be the reason someone chose not to give-up.
Photo credit to https://beacon.wharton.upenn.edu/entrepreneurship/2014/11/scale-your-mindset/